terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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