Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
