How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
