I wish my penis had an off switch
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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