I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
