i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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