its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
