the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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