My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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