so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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