you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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