so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
