It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
