I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
