his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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