and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
