someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
