we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
