So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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