I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
