youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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