I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
