But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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