I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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