Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
