I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
