I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
