the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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