I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize