Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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