Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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