We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
