I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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