As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
