I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
