I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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