the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We are all done wearing pants today
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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