If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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