I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
