my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
