My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
