I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am available for nakedness
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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