i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
