He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
