If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
