I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
