Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
