Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
