My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
