He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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