rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's rum buckets o'clock
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
