I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
