she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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