Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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