Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
